There is a poster of a quote on my door. I had put it there, a few months ago, with the hope, that looking at it day and night, I may get help to see that tiny bit of light everyone says exists at the end of the tunnel. But, no use because I am as clueless about life as I was yesterday or a month ago or three months ago; when I had put the poster there.
The quote says ‘If you can’t stop thinking about it, don’t stop working for it’ but me, I am still very much lost.
‘If you can’t stop thinking about it, don’t stop working for it. ‘
My problem is I do not know what is ‘It’ for me. What should I be working for? What should I be looking for? What should I be awake for? I just don’t know. I have been literally slogging my days off for the past one and half year. No clue what is going on, not a single clue where life is heading to, and no idea what tomorrow holds. I am not exaggerating but I have literally been free floating for the past one and half year and the irony is I don’t even know how to swim. It is kinda getting on my nerves now because neither am I drowning nor am I swimming. I am just there. Held. Stuck. Fixed, well not literally but yes, I am. O boy! Is it all that left is to cry? Yeah, I know, not really right? But I am bored. Days pass, months begin and when I look back it is three months already to something that happened yesterday and it makes sick to my stomach. How the hell is time passing when it is not passing at all? Why? How? I want to know. I demand a clarification. But who the hell is going to give it me? Life sucks!
Anyway, I did not write this post to vent okay! I am writing it because for the first time in my life, I think I have an ‘It’ that I want to chase. I really really want to chase. I know writing a word twice is not impeccable English but I want you to feel when I say I really really want to chase him. Oh yes, I know what you are thinking next. Like ‘no, please! Give me a break, not another cliché, girl-boy story! Or may be ‘Cheque please we are done with our dinner.’ Or something else that resonates with the disappointment I may have just brought out on to you, but it is the truth.
Earlier whenever, while seated at my bed (again clueless about life) I looked at the poster, it had make me wonder into far off places where I could go, but didn’t go. Looking at the poster made me feel, I wouldn’t say loser, but it felt like life is slipping away, day by day but I did not know what to do. But wait, here I had like to make a clarification that its not that I have suddenly got a grip on my life. No!!! I haven’t. Life today is all the more messy than it was yesterday or two months ago or two years ago.
But what has changed is the answer that I get from my heart when I read that quote. Well, to help you understand, I am typing this line; I looked at the poster again, and I swear, I heard the same thing, so this sudden appearance of an answer for ‘It’ is what worries me. Couldn’t ‘It’ have come for a better idea or goal or an aim or something more meaningful?
He is all over my head. I hate to admit but I do feel like a teenager.
So the story is that he is running away and the strong, opinionated, independent, calm-until-now woman in me, does not want to care about the fact that he is not staying. I even go to the extent and tell myself that “To hell with him, what the heck does he think of himself? He is no Bradley Cooper okay! Or Mel Gibson or Gabriel Match or Jon Snow! There has to be mutual consent between two individuals for them to be with each other and if he thinks he is too broken to be loved by someone and therefore is scared of pursuing whatever little he felt or feels about me, then he can go die.”
He is no Bradley Cooper okay! Or Mel Gibson or Gabriel Match or Jon Snow!
But do I really want that? Or do I really do that?
<See? This is what worries me>
May be I should go check in with a shrink but that would be expensive for a person whose current Employed@ status reads ‘unemployed’. Oh, yes for your kind information, life otherwise is still a mess.
Almost everyone I have shared this with, has warned me to get my shit together and move on. Some even had cliché advice like ‘Women do not chase men, it is otherwise’ to offer. But this very poster – day and night, all the more makes me want to pursue him. To be honest, I do not want to miss out on him but at the same time I do not want my perseverance for ‘It’ to be mistaken for desperation.
I do not want my perseverance for ‘It’ to be mistaken for desperation.
Posted as a part of Blog-chatter weekly prompt ‘Free write’, I am not writing this to ask for free advice or to tell me what should I do?’ I am writing it because I need to clear my head and get going with blogging. I haven’t been doing pretty well here but I want to. So, thank you very much for dropping by.
BTW, that’s the door and the ‘quote’ on it. Also, you are most welcome to make fun of my other pins on the door. #Pleasure