Who am I?
I wish I knew.
All I know is I am many things. Many-many things. I bleed blue. Yes I do! Extremely patriotic! Mera desh mahan kind of people! Wait wait, not a Bhakt. I really don’t understand these political jargons. Not a leftist, nor a rightist. Neither interested in being labelled as a liberal. No, I was never a JNU student. I couldn’t clear the prestigious national entrance examination. See such is life. There are times I ask myself, Am I a disappointment? The heart right away throws an answer at me. ‘Yes, lady you are. There is time, wake up. Do something with your life. Time is not going to come back. What exactly are you waiting for? Or whom exactly are you waiting for? No one is going to write that application for you. Get up and start writing…’ and then within minutes I realise maybe these are not my words. They have been fed into my brain. Just like everything else.
I am clueless about the way I have to manoeuvre this post. But because it is about me, I guess I have the liberty go on. So to be honest, I think I am a moron. Yeah, there is no typo up there. I clearly know what is missing where. I know which email was important to be sent on time, I know which deadline just went by and yet I am do nothing about it. No, wait, there is one thing that I have been doing and that is fooling around. My to-do list has been getting bigger and bigger and my notes getting shorter and shorter. My out reach to the social world has exponentially declined. My obduracy to stay inside has suddenly primed.
Please do not fall for the idea that I do something highly reflective of my self by staying inside. True, my bookshelf has been growing in size but do I read the books I have been buying? No.
‘And why is that G.?
Well, I don’t know that either.
‘Are you suffering?’
‘Is there anything that is bothering you?’
Nothing that I can pinpoint to;
‘Then what the hell is wrong with you?’
Ahh! I wish I knew.
The story doesn’t end here. But I did think for a second about ending it right there. It seems like a decent end to me. But no; now that I am cross with myself, I want to go on. I am a liar too. I know the life I am living in is not what I want to. I know it has to change. I know it will change. It even know how exactly will it change, but to my surprise, I am doing nothing, absolutely nothing about it. I have failed to understand what exactly do I want. All I do is, wonder who exactly have I become.
I really have surprised my self in the past four months. I have felt a different kind of audacity rising within myself. I, suddenly am not afraid of anything. I am not saying that I am taking life head on, but I am just not worried about the consequences. I mean, who stops weighing the consequences against right and wrong in life? Isn’t that an insane transformation? There are decisions taken, those when I weigh against myself, boggle me. They really do. I fail to understand what exactly are my dearest neurons high on? Well, they couldn’t be high on life, that is sure but realistically my brain cells need a juggle. What say, should I brush dust off my brain on a Saturday night?
This post is for the Blogchatter weekly prompt. I am a fellow BlogBuddy and I am certainly enjoying it. 🙂